March 31, 2024
Sometimes, I think that our kids’ schools devise tasks with the sole intent of making my life harder. In my more sardonic moments, I like to imagine the planning meeting responsible for these unrelenting trials.
Executive: <in a deep, rich-person timbre> “Give me an update. How goes our devious plan to totally overwhelm all the parents?”
Underling: <in a nasal, sycophantic snivel> “Oh, sir, it’s really going well. For one, parents have to rise before the sun to have *any* hope of getting their kids to school on time! Not to mention, they always need to pack a snack, a lunch, and a water bottle — and I simply cannot overstate how easy it is to forget one (or more!) of those tasks. Plus, there’s homework due *each day*, so that’s a small form of torture. But, the best part is that all of those are just the day-to-day stuff!”
Executive: “There’s more? Do tell.”
Underling: “Well, we also ask the parents to volunteer in the classrooms — you know, *during* the school day.”
Executive: “During the school day? But don’t most of the parents have jobs? And the ones who don’t — they principally stay home with younger kids, correct?”
Underling: <chuckles> “Exactly, sir. It’s a no-win situation for them.”
Executive: <nods> “Yes, I see now. Very clever. What else?”
Underling: “Well, we also stage elaborate — but short-lived — parties for every holiday.”
Executive: “For every holiday? What about Christmas and Easter?”
Underling: “Oh, no, not those — we call Christmas a ‘winter holiday’, and we just skip Easter altogether. But we celebrate all the others.”
Executive: “Hmm, I see. And what exactly do these celebrations entail?”
Underling: “Starting in kindergarten, we routinely send out sign-up lists so that *every* parent feels compelled to contribute money and time to each party — none of which lasts longer than an hour! Think of how demoralizing it is to buy a twenty-dollar Valentine’s Day banner, only to have it used for barely sixty minutes!”
Executive: “Yes, that *does* sound demoralizing. Is that all?”
Underling: <laughs cruelly> “No sir, I left the best for last… on top of all of that, we stage… unpredictably scheduled dress-up days!”
Executive: <faints dead away from the undiluted malice of such a pronouncement>